Buck Joe Buck

Joe Buck Cry for Help

2009-11-11T06:28:00.000-08:00

Press Release from the Buck Joe Buck Foundation

November 11, 2009
St. Louis, MO

The members of the Buck Joe Buck Foundation would like to inform the Front Office Staff of the St. Louis Cardinals Baseball Franchise that they must re-sign free agent slugger Matt Holliday.

It's a matter of life and death at this point.

You see, our patron saint, Joseph Buck, has decided that he will hold his breath until his beloved Cardinals re-sign Holliday.

Buck has thrown numerous temper-tantrums in the grocery store whenever he passes down the magazine aisle and see's a news story about Holliday's impending free agency.

We've sent Buck to bed without his supper for the last two nights, and now we're beginning to worry about his health.

Please, St. Louis, re-sign Holliday, because frankly, we're sick of Buck's childish behavior around the office.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #8

2009-11-04T17:35:00.001-08:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #8

Joe Buck is actually Pedro Martinez's daddy. So now that you know, everyone can stop asking Pedro that embarrassing question.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #34

2009-11-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #34

Joe Buck and Tim McCarver base their relationship on another famous duo:

Monty Burns and Waylon Smithers.

Buck Joe Buck Diaries

2009-11-03T17:08:00.000-08:00

The following is an excerpt from Joe Buck's personal diary. Many good men were lost, trying to steal the contents of this diary.

November 3, 2009

Dear Diary,

Just because I wasn't on television announcing the World Series today, didn't mean that I had to stop sucking at life. I, Joe Buck have a commitment to being unfunny, and by George, I will live up to that reputation.

Today was a busy day for me. After six straight hours of staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, I was able to find my way to the voting booth.

None of the candidates were worthy of my vote, so yes, I wrote my name in for NY City Mayor, NJ Governor, and for the election determining Emperor of the Universe.

I came home and had Tim McCarver make me two steaks for dinner; one for me, and the other for my forehead. After two large bottles of wine, my forehead and I decided to call it a night.

We snuggled together, watching re-runs of some of my greatest moments on air. Three minutes later, finished, I put the dvd back in its case and fell asleep.

Big day tomorrow, the World Series is back on Fox, and I have an obligation to carry on a legacy of horrific broadcasting.

Fondly,
Joey Buck

Cool Joe Buck Fact #71

2009-11-02T18:12:00.001-08:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #71

My Fav 5 consists of me, myself, I, the reflection in my mirror, and Satan.

It's true.

Call Verizon, they have a copy of my bill.

Press Release from the Buck Joe Buck Foundation

2009-11-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

The following is in response to Fox's and MLB's decision to move the right field camera back a few feet.

For Immediate Release
Buck Joe Buck Foundation
November 2, 2009

Following the decision to move the Fox camera (which resides in right field) back a few feet,
the management team at the Buck Joe Buck Foundation is offering to lend its support in moving another object in Citizen's Bank Park.

Joe Buck.

We're proposing to move Joe Buck back from the announcer's booth about 500 yards, in efforts to decrease the potential of Buck commentating on the outcome of the game.

Buck would sit on the opposite side of Patterson Avenue, in Parking Lot "K".

By moving Buck, we're eliminating the possibility of hearing another drone induced broadcast of the 2009 World Series game.

Possible substitutions for Buck include a squirrel, the homeless guy outside of McFadden's, two trash cans, or Dick Clark.

Tim McCarver can stay in the booth, because we're willing to bet his intelligence returns after the Buck Serum wears off.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #42

2009-11-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #42

I watch the replays of my broadcasts with the sound off.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #9

2009-11-01T17:02:00.000-08:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #9

My Avatar wears high heels.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #20

2009-10-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #20

I am fascinated with NASCAR driver AJ Allmendinger's last name.

It's true.

Look it up.

Press Release from the Buck Joe Buck Foundation

2009-10-30T05:44:00.000-07:00

In response to Alicia Keys' performance at Yankee Stadium last night;

It has come to the attention of the Buck Joe Buck Foundation that Ms. Keys, in her pregame performance with Jay-Z, uttered the phrase "New York, New York; There's nothing you can't do."

Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

In light of those words being sung, we would like to inform Ms. Keys that she is in fact, incorrect.

There are a lot of things you can't do in New York. Take our good friend Joe Buck.

Joe Buck CAN'T

1. Call a baseball game to save his life.
2. Go 15 seconds without mentioning Cliff Lee's outstanding Game 1 Performance
3. Go 30 secounds without playing back the tape of Pedro Martinez launching Don Zimmer.
4. Eat a hot dog without spilling mustard all over Tim McCarver.
5. Live up to his father's legacy.
6. Call a baseball game to save his life.

We're urging Ms. Keys' to remove those lyrics from her song, as they give false hope to our Lord and Savior Joe Buck.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #13

2009-10-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #13;

Did you know the phrase "Stockholm Syndrome" was invented because of my relationship with Tim McCarver?

How else could you convince someone to sit in a cramped booth with me for 4 hours?

Next on my list; Troy Aikman.

Excerpt from the Upcoming Book "Joe Buck, Our Lord and Savior"

2009-10-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from the upcoming auto-biography "Joe Buck; Our Lord and Savior" due to be released just before the apocalypse.

Chapter 3: The Untalent.

The undead. The unfunny. The underwear. All things that I can relate to because I fall in another unique "un" category; the "untalented".

This "un" features a small inner circle consisting of myself, Jesus' younger brother, the cast of Saved By the Bell, and our fearless leader; Jay Leno.

Jay Leno is my inspiration. He is the definition of "untalented" and gives me something to live up to.

Jay wouldn't know funny if it hit him in the face, and I admire that bravado. Jay steals from other famous people, just like how I stole my career from my father.

Jay had a chicken make football picks the other day. Stole that from Howard Stern. Howard was having a monkey make his programing decisions eons ago. Was it funny then? Of course not! It wasn't funny because Stern has talent. Jay doesn't and that's what makes him so unique.

Could you imagine if Vin Scully actually listened to one of my broadcasts? Then he might actually learn something.

Jay's signature bit is called Jaywalking. It wasn't funny when Howard Stern did it years ago, with homeless people. But once Jay got his untalented hands on the bit, it became a National Treasure.

Just like Tim McCarver, a lowly catcher who, once touched by my magical hands, turns into a subpar broadcasting partner.

I decided to take a page out of Leno's bestseller "Idiot's Guide to Making Things Unfunny" and stole one of Howard Stern's sidekicks for the opening of my awesome show "Joe Buck Live". Artie Lange; did you see him on my show? Artie made headlines on the Joe Buck Live Show. When was the last time he did anything funny on Stern?

Exactly.

You can't teach the "untalented". It's something that we're born with.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #51

2009-10-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #51

October is my favorite time of year because;

1. The leaves change color.
2. Halloween is in October.
3. I get to announce Football and the World Series.
4. It's the time of year when I get the most fan mail*.

* The editors at BuckJoeBuck.com want to remind Joe Buck that death threats and hate mail are not to be considered "fan mail".

Cool Joe Buck Fact #269

2009-10-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #269

I have, in fact, Slammed a lamma's ding dong.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #82

2009-10-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #82

My contract doesn't allow me to say anything positive about a New York Sports Franchise.

It's true.

Look it up.

Excerpt from the Upcoming Book "Joe Buck, Our Lord and Savior"

2009-09-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from the upcoming auto-biography "Joe Buck; Our Lord and Savior" due to be released just before the apocalypse.

Chapter 7: Repetition

A reporter once asked me what steps one needs to take to become a successful broadcaster. After thinking about it, I preceded to bore the reporter to death.

The key to a successful broadcast is repetition. If it worked yesterday, or the day before that, go with it.

Don't try to come up with something new; it'll ultimately kill your career.

I can never understand why John Sterling keeps coming up with catchy home run calls for the Yankee hitters. He's eventually going to find himself without a homer call, and that'll be the last we hear from him.

Regurgitate useless information. Use the Fox Pitch Location Monitor until your viewers are sticking marshmallows in their eye sockets. Keep reminding your viewers that the yellow line on the football field isn't actually there in real life.

Obsess over the mundane; Brett Farve shave today? Don't go more than 30 seconds without reffering to his 3-7 career record on games he's played beardless.

Treat your audience like they are retarded mules. Most of them have never seen a sporting event in their life. Every time I broadcast, I envision my audience being captivated by the trivial information I graciously bestow upon them.

And when you think of nothing else to say, repeat everything.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #7

2009-09-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #7

If I have trouble falling asleep at night, I listen to the sounds of a Third World Country starving to death.

It really works.

You should try it.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #88

2009-09-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #88

My favorite word is "nepotism".

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #41

2009-09-07T12:57:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #41

I suck the life out of everything. In fact, every morning for breakfast, I have my cook cut my cheerio's in half so that I eat "Cherri C's".

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #169

2009-09-03T11:10:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #169

I called Randy Moss' mooning of the Packer fans a "disgusting act".

It was more than disgusting.

It was dirty.

And when I'm alone at night, I keep thinking about exactly how dirty it was.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #49

2009-09-01T07:51:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #49

My parents once tried to mate a ostridge and a banshee.

And now you know the story about how I was born.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #93

2009-08-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #93

I had the mute buttons removed from all of the remote controls in my house.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #32

2009-08-19T07:32:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #32

Despite what the Dos Equis commercials tell you, I am the Most Interesting Man in the World.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #24

2009-08-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #24

You know when you "saw Mommy kissing Santa Clause"? She wasn't kissing Santa.

She was sticking her tongue down my air hole.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #69

2009-08-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #69

I once had all the funny sucked out of me by Clay Aiken.

True story.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #55

2009-07-28T11:16:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #55

My nickname in High School was Tommy Monotone.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #26

2009-07-23T06:44:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #26

Most NFL kickers envision my face on the ol' pigskin before they try to send one sailing through the uprights.

I motivate people.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #57

2009-07-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #57

I was once a woman before a horrific acid pit accident forced me to undergo a top secrect operation.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #19

2009-07-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #19

I am so old that I actually did the play by play for the "Last Supper".

It's true.

I was there.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #74

2009-07-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #74

My skin stays in perfect condition because I have a painting of myself in my attic that I'm not supposed to look at.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #182

2009-07-05T06:04:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #182

My hair gel is made from a combination of seaweed, chili powder, and the tears of an unwed mother.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #38

2009-07-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #38

The CIA replaced the old form of torturing prisoners (making them listen to my 1996 World Series telecasts) with water-boarding.

It's true.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #43

2009-06-29T20:23:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #43

Once the government outlawed clubbing baby seals to death, trappers began using my old broadcast tapes to kill the seals.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #112

2009-06-27T07:41:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #112

Despite what Artie Lange says, Suckingcock.com is not my second favorite website. My second favorite website happens to be:

www.midgetswithlargerthanlifekneecaps.com.

Look it up.

Cool Joe Buck Fact #27

2009-06-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

Cool Joe Buck Fact #27

I once killed a man.

Well technically he died during one of my World Series Broadcasts, but it still counts in my book.

Artie Lange vs Joe Buck

2009-06-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so things may have gotten a little out of hand after Artie stopped by my totally awesome HBO show.

Some people are saying I was stiff as a board, but I think I was hanging with the 400 pound gorilla in the room.

ARTIE HANGS CIGARETTE IN CHIN.

MY TOTALLY AWESOME COMEBACK: "I think it's in chin number four."

Seriously, who should be getting paid for being a funny man?

Artie Lange Stops By My House

2009-06-17T19:59:00.000-07:00

Funny man Artie Lange stopped by my house the other night and helped me kick off my first ever HBO series called "Me Live"...errah... "Joe Buck Live".

Artie, apparently never learned how to play well with others when he was a kid.

BobsBlitz.com - Artie Lange Joe Buck Post Show 'Overtime'
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